food guide - poison [ mumbai ]

intro & location |
this appears to be a "happening" club, so there are a lot of people who seem to be here to see and be seen. i'm not familiar with the bombay page3-set so i didn't recognize most of the creepily dressed characters ( you'll find lady-boys with more class, working the streets of pattaya ). off linking road at bandra.

ambiance & hygiene |
clean, cool and almost post-modern, with a dramatic broken-glass-encrusted spiral stairway bringing you to this basement level club. high roof, several large lcd display's and a prominent central dj console. whoever was responsible for the layout and interiors did a passable job of it. rest-rooms are clean and don't get crowded ( this is important in a night-club, beer-drinking can lead to very uncomfortable queues outside the loo ). however, getting across the floor to the loo involves wrestling, shoving and stepping on feet. there is a smoking section with house-r&b music and less crowded bar. the sheer number of bouncers in this club is intimidating. and they aren't all that friendly when you're entering. maybe it's meant to go with the icy-cool theme ( not kidding about the theme, the air-conditioning must have been set to 12 degrees and the smoke machines pump dry-ice from the roof-vents ). the bartenders are relatively warm, but curt still.

drink |
the alcohol is at about 350 bucks for a small drink/pint. they do not serve anything cheaper than smirnoff black ( but the cheapsters use smirnoff "red" in the cocktails ). their beers are "premium" too ( tiger, carlsberg and fosters pints only ). this is a snooty place, so do not expect to find kingfisher or old monk rum. just for the record, carlsberg and fosters are made by the same guys who make the "not-so-premium" haywards 5000 in india and tiger is made by the guys who make the decidedly-shady cannon 10000. the only thing "premium" here is the packaging and price-tag.

music |
the music is genuinely distressing. they claim to play hip-hop, r&b, electronic, house, rock & bollywood. but in reality, it's a mix of 20% electronic and 80% bollywood ( take that with a pinch of salt, i don't recognize either ). they have a cover charge of 2000 per couple and 2500 per stag, so you can't escape with no loss.
dj shaqeel ( or whatever ), once-in-the-news-for-drug-possession( "i was framed, somebody put 0.4 grams in my wallet!!!" ) kishore-remixing, shake-it-daddy dj plays at poison. you've been warned. you'd still come away alive if he stuck to playing music. but for some reason they let him have a microphone, so he even talks between tracks ( apparently under the impression that he is egging the crowds on to greater enjoyment. excuse me while i go drown in my own vomit ).
whoever "framed" the fart, please try 4kg this time, so he's charged with trafficking and not possession. please. i don't know what kinda dim-wit walks about uae airports with banned substances, but it is apparently a popular extreme-sport with indian page3 types ( i'm not exaggerating! click on 1 2 3 4 ).

verdict |
all in all, if you're looking for a few drinks and some good music ( without being pushed around ), poison is a terrible waste of money. if you're obliged to go there, i would suggest you drink your cover-charge's worth of smirnoff black ( about two drinks ) and pretend you need to step outside for a phone call. head straight to hawaiian shack or toto's for a few peaceful drinks. with the kind of crowd at poison, nobody'll notice you're gone. don't try to get to the tavern at fariya's, it'll be shut by the time you get there.